THE PC MANIFESTO
FEATURING A PC PRIMER
AND
REVISED PC LEXICON
By  Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignigwiuw

``... In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecidented unity and harmony,
The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of
prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that
will offer unlimited bliss and contentment.  Dammit.''
                               Prof. Dr. Skippy ``Tiang-Min'' Whitmore
                               Berkeley, CA, 1965

PC PRIMER

Q: WHAT IS P.C.?

PC stands for Politically Correct.  We of the Politically Correct
philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures,
race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles.  Politically Correctness
is the only social and morally acceptable outlook.  Anyone who disagrees
with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.

Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?

Being PC is fun.  PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life!  PC
offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social
evils of centuries of oppression.

Q: I AM A WHITE MALE.  CAN I STILL BE PC?

Sure.  You just have to feel very guilty.

Q: WHY?

If you are a white male, your ancesters were responsible for practically
every injustice in the world --- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportcoats.
That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities.  Now
it is time to balance the scales of justice for the decendants of those
individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

Q: HOW?

It's simple.  You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and
what you do.  You just don't want to offend anyone.

Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?

That's right.  Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world
a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?

Oh, there are lots of ways.  For example, why buy regular ice cream when you
can buy ``Rain Forest Crunch?''
Segrega ... whoops ... separate all of your garbage
into different containers:  glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic,
etc.  Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals.  Try to
find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your
teeth at the same time.  Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to
irrigate your lawn.  Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden.
Don't use aerosal.  By all means, don't burn American Flags!

If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part!
Don't do drugs.  You should listen to at least one of the following PC
musicians:  U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.

Harrass people who wear fur coats.  Remind them that an innocent baby seal was
mercilessly clubbed.  Or just yell, ``FUR.''  They hate that.
And don't EVER eat meat.

Q: DON'T EAT MEAT?  WHY NOT?!

Cows are animals, just like humans are animals.  That means that they have
rights.  When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?

No, not always.  Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian
Gulf.  You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when
it doesn't.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?

The general rule is as follows:
      IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
         HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.

Examine the following chart:

RIGHTS                       NO RIGHTS

cows                         cockroaches      
cute bunnies                 flies            
dolphins in tuna nets        tuna in tuna nets
whales                       sharks           
red squirrels                gray squirrels   
owls                         loggers          
harbor seals                 barnacles        

Q: WOW.  WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?

Hug a tree.  Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what
gives flavour to our great country.  Get in touch with your sexual identity.
Check your refrigerator for freon leaks.  Subscribe to National Geographic.
Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes.
After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.

Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember.  YOU ARE
RIGHT.  It's that simple.  You are right.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?

Good question.  It's important to know when someone is saying something
insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society.  The
guideline is as follows:

     Is the confrontation between two white people?
     The liberal is right.
     The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading
of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues.

Here's a fun practice drill for you:  See how many newspaper articles you can
make into race bias stories.  It's fun!  Some PCers are so good they can make
the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

Q} WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?

It all depends on the situation.  If you are not in a position of authority,
by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge.  If
your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90's,
she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender
disciplined.

Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?

The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be
espoused by anyone.  That's not what free speech is about.  Some call it
censorship.  PCers call it ``selective'' speech.  Saying something negative 
about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them 
in the face.  We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE ``BLACK'', ``INDIAN'', ETC.

Yes.  That's part of the PC movement.  You see, part of the way we think
about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them.  Take
``black'' for instance.  Why should a person be judged by the color of their
skin?

Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?

No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from.  If your
great-grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should
be identified by that fact.  You can even apply for special scholarships!

Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN.  CAN I GET ONE?

No, there are no scholarships for any of those.  Sorry.  If you are a woman,
however, there should be plenty.

Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN 
AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

Technically, yes.  But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.
That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that
we aren't.  Another example:  a white South-African U.S. immigrant is not
an African-American either.

Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?

For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC.  WHAT CAN I DO?

Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer
their time with philanthropies.  Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western
perspectives on history.  Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes
to reflect cultural biases.

Q: I DON'T GET IT.

Well, the way the system works now, ``select'' under-represented minorities
who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions
at school and work and receive preferential treatment.  This is unfair and
wrong.

Q: IT IS?

Yes.  The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for
different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score,
depending on who is taking the test.  If you are white, then you have been
benefited by society during your life.  That means that you lose
ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.

It IS right.  That's the beauty of PC.

Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?

Humor.  PC people take every comment VERY seriously.  We will not accept
any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a
racial slur.

Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

``What's black and white and red all over?'' has been staple humor for
decades.  Not PC --- it can be taken the wrong way.

In every day speech, try to use phrases like,
``Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American.''  Any racial jokes
or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted.  True, this
mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for
social equality.

Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?

Yes.  The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
people are diversely equal.  We rejoice in this equality by treating
people differently based on their equal individuality.  Hop aboard the
bandwagon ...  Be PC.
Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.

PC LEXICON

Insensitive Term                 Preferred Term

--- ETHNICITY 
(PC people do not recognize the term ``race'' as valid)

Black                            African-American
                                 NOTE:  DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, 
                                 WHITE SOUTH-AFRICANS.  DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE 
                                 WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE 
                                 FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.

Oriental                         Asian-American
                                 NOTE:  NOT CONSIDERED ``REAL'' MINORITIES
                                 SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL

Indian                           Native-American
                                 NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
                                       Atlanta Braves
                                       Cleveland Indians
                                       Kansas City Chiefs
                                       Washington Redskins
                                 AVOID THESE CITIES!!!

Chicano                          Hispanic 
                                 NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
                                       Cheech and Chong
                                       Chico and the Man episodes
                                       Cisco Kid
                                       Rosarita Salsa
                                       Speedy Gonzales
                                 AVOID!  AVOID!

Towel Head/ Ay-Rab               Arab-American

White Trash                      PC Unaware
                                 Rustically Inclined

WASP (white male)                Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

--- GENDER
(PC people don't like the word ``sex'' as it has confusing connotations)

Woman                            Womyn, Vaginal-American

Girl                             Pre-Womyn

Housewife                        Domestic Engineer

Fireman                          Firefighter

Stewardess                       Flight Attendent

Meter Maid                       Parking Enforcement Aduciator

Post Man                         Post Person

Mail Man                         Person Person

Policeman (cop, pig)             Law Enforcement Officer
                                 Baton Boy
                                 Cal. Clubber

Prostitute                       Sex Surrogate
                                 (Teen Victim.  See:  Broken Home)

Mankind, Human                   Earth Children

--- PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS

Handicapped                      Differently Abled
                                 (Blind  -  Optically Darker Photonically 
                                            Non-receptive
                                  Deaf   -  Visually Oriented)

Poor                             Economically Unprepared

Bum                              Homeless Person
                                 Displaced Homeowner
                                 Philosophy Major

Hunter                           Animal Assassin
                                 Meat Mercenary
                                 Bambi Butcher

Whaler                           Blubber Lovers

Old Person / Elderly             4th-Dimensionally Extended
                                 Gerontologically Advanced

Conservative                     Right Wing Extremist Facist Pig

Drug Addict                      Chemically Challenged

Bald                             Comb-Free

Bisexual                         Sexually Non-preferential

Midget, Dwarf                    Little People
                                 Vertically Challenged

Convict                          Socially Seperated

Insane People                    Selectively Perceptive
                                 Mental Explorers

(person with)                    (person with)
Learning Disability              Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

Tree-Hugger                      Environmental Activist

Logger                           Wood Weasel
                                 Paper Pirate
                                 Treeslayer

Dead People                      Disfunctional Earth Children

--- MISCELLANEOUS

Broken Home                      Disfunctional Family

HouseBroken                      Family Disfunction 

Cattle Ranch                     Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
                                 ``Moo-shwitz''

Senile Bag o' Bones              Alzheimer's Victim

Ghetto / Barrio                  (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
                                 Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

Hamburger                        Seared Mutillated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

Cheeseburger                     Adding Insult to Injury

Cheating (in School)             Academic Dishonesty

Used Books                       Recycled Books

Trees                            Oxygen Exchange Units

Gang                             Youth Group

Pimp-mobile, Low-rider           Culturally Responsive Transportation Option

Drunk / Trashed                  Spatially Perplexed

Slum                             (EOZ) Economic Opression Zone

Delicatessen                     Corpse Farm
                                 Charnel House

SOCIALLY INTOLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)

These are some, but unfortunetely not all, words that are used to describe
people.  Remember, there are much more elequent PC ways to say the same thing
without offending any of Earth's Children.

DO NOT USE THESE WORDS.
(except when telling other people not to use them)

IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY:

``Alky, Babe, Beaner, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink,
 Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy,
 Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian,
 Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freaks, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Pinko,
 Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Skirt, Spic, Tart, Toots,
 Uncle Tom, Whore, White-Trash, Wop''

READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
IT BETTER HAVE.

THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS.  PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES
TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.

END OF PC LEXICON